Time to stop pretending

http://themighty.com/2015/08/why-i-lived-a-double-life-while-dealing-with-my-chronic-illnesses/

I came across the article above on Facebook last night. This speaks to me on so many levels. I don’t know why people in pain pretend so much. I’ve been thinking on the words of a friends Facebook post from a few days ago, that oftentimes our self worth is measured by how much we achieve and what we can do… so what happens when your physically not able to do all the things you once could? You keep fighting, keep trying and keep pretending that you can do it, so you don’t see yourself as a failure. And so others wont think your a failure, or look on you with pity or stop including you in their lives. So you don’t loose your self worth. I mean how much use or worth can you be to anyone, when you spend the majority of your life in bed? How can you be a good wife, mother or friend? The amount of times I’ve carried on doing, when i was in pain and should’ve stopped, and then had to spend days in bed recovering. The amount of times I’ve been asked how i am and I’ve replied ‘fine’, or played down the pain, when in reality I’ve been in so much pain.
So often its easier to pretend or put on a front instead of revealing the real you out of fear of rejection.

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I’ve spent months, years pretending that I’m ok. Only my husband really sees how much i struggle.
This lady today has inspired me to stop pretending.
So this is me –
●Every day i wake up in some sort of pain. Every day. From then on its a fight to be happy the rest of the day.
●I have so many dreams and aspirations, that all seem out of reach because of this back pain. And that is pretty depressing.
●My mind is full of so many thoughts and ideas that I just cant do and it drives me crazy sometimes. Well pretty much everyday.
●I’m a very organised person. I like to plan, plan, plan. And yet with life how it is, I cant really plan much. My life feels like its dictated by my back.
●I feel guilty for not doing as much with my kids as I would like.

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●I feel guilty for depending so much on my husband.
●I hate having to tell people I cant do something.
●I miss cooking and baking and gardening… and bike riding.
●Most times when i post a picture of something I’ve cooked on Facebook or Instagram I have to climb into bed or sit down, because being on my feet for that time has increase my pain ALOT.

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●Chronic pain can get you down,  really down.  And after 4.5 years of this its a fight to stay positive and not be  depressed or anxious.

Its funny, that even though I’m writing this to the ‘internet’, that already I feel the weight of ‘pretending’ lifting off me… and even if no one reads this, I’ve made the decision to stop pretending, and that feels good! And for anyone else struggling with being honest about where they are in life, I would encourage you to do the same.

I don’t know where life is leading me, but I am putting my trust in God —
“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”

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